The Count Down Begins

Shelley is leaving the department I believe at the end of this week.  After these past few days with her I couldn't be happier.

She has been reprimanding me for things I DON'T KNOW!  And why don't I know them?  Because she hasn't taught me.  But she will sit in front of me and say, "You've done this ... right?  You've done this" and I panic and nod my head because I cannot access in my brain quickly enough the history of said task -- which is her doing the task and never teaching me.  And she speaks very loudly and angrily.

She has warned me that once she leaves the department I am going to die without her. 

This morning, after the first reprimand (yes, there was more than one) I got back to my desk and I began to email my closest friend, Krisses.  I was writing about how I'd blown it again and why was I such a piece of crap and why do I make so many mistakes ... and then in the middle of the email it hit me!  That wonderful quote from Eleanor Roosevelt: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

I've known this quote for years but it finally made sense to me.  I REFUSE to allow her to have that kind of power over me. I am NOT a piece of crap!  In fact, the way she is treating me has more to do with her (and her bitchiness and insecurities) and less to do with me (so I don't need to beat myself up for not being able to come to my defense) than anything else. 

All of a sudden I realized it is well within my power to feel good about myself -- no matter what others may seem to think.

And, you know what?  I SO have it made.  The SVP and the other VPs (that Shelley was friends with) have gotten an earful of how slow I am and how many mistakes I make and how useless I am ... whatever!  So they aren't expecting much.  That sure takes the pressure off of me!!  There's no way I can't excel.  I'll just keep doing my best without Shelley to micro-manage and criticize me.  They will be amazed at how much better I am than they ever thought!

I WILL ONLY WIN!!

Oh my god I am starting to actually love myself!  A huge chunk of that came today when I stopped listening to what other people were saying -- or what I thought other people were saying -- and realized all that matters is what I think.
That's it! 

On the way home I turned on the car radio and heard that old song: "You've got to make your own kind of music; Sing your own special song; Make your own kind of music; Even if nobody else sings along."  I take that as a message from the powers that be -- don't throw yourself away or put yourself down because you are different from others and others seem to laugh at what you hold dear and precious -- you are dear and precious in your own special way and that is HUGE.  That might just be the secret to the Universe.  Or not ... but whatever it is it sure helped me to feel a whole lot better.

Life After Shelley: Here I come.  And even these next few days still with her I do not have to sink to her level and feel badly about myself.  That is her trip -- and I will leave it to her to take.  I don't travel there anymore.