"Thanks for the ADD" (as seen on MySpace)

Today there was a completely different voice inside my head.  Instead of constantly berating and beating myself up, this voice was loving and gentle. After Saturday's diagnosis of ADD I have been treating myself like a brand new fragile little baby deserving of love and compassion.  I feel all new to the world and every moment is precious.  I know this phase will not last.  Sigh ...this too shall pass, but maybe it won't pass completely.  Maybe I'll still be able to hold on to some love and understanding.

I went to the bank at lunch and then to Vroman's Bookstore.  I found a couple books on ADD and read as much as I could within the given hour.

I don't want the excitement of this discovery phase to pass either.

I had to go into the SVP's office and take up some matters with her today.  That was the only time today I felt uncomfortable (which is huge because I am usually uncomfortable all minutes and hours I spend outside of my apartment). 

I still want that "Every Child Has A Thinking Style" book and I want it NOW.  Finances have made it such that I

cannot purchase book until my paycheck of the 15th ... damn.  I want it now.  I am learning all these new things about me and learning new ways of experiencing myself and taking care of myself and I owe it to an excerpt I read from that book .

*If you are reading this blog don't forget to view the House of Fun trailer -- couple of days ago.  It is about one minute long and well worth the trouble if you have ever wanted to know what was more than likely on your pet's mind.*

With the SVP I would get myself into trouble when I didn't bring her into my tasks every step of the way.  I now am going to her and filling her in and when I have questions ("This hotel is $439 for the night but this other one 15 miles further north is $325 ....").  And you know what?  When I do that she lets me make the decisions.  So they are the decisions I was making all along, however, I need to give her the opportunity to be in on what I am doing.  That's what I learned at work today.

My sleeping escape makes a lot more sense now with this sign of "ADD" hanging 'round my neck:
1.  I don't do well with unstructured time.  What is a weekend but unstructured time.  No wonder I would fear the weekends so fervently.
2.  "We can not tolerate boredom and are always looking for something to do" "All of my waking moments need to be filled with something to do or something to think about.  I cannot risk the possibility of having nothing to do!"  How many times have I said that to my therapist??  So better to stay sleeping -- having something to do -- than risk having nothing!
3.  The constant anxiety and confusion of living in an ADD mind.  (I'M NOT STUPID!!!  I'M NOT CRAZY!!)

I have talked to my friends and family about sometimes sleeping 22 hours a day (no lie -- that was an average weekend), I would share in meetings, I would talk about it in therapy, I would write about it, I would drive my OA Sponsor crazy with me always trying to pick it apart and figure it out .... Now it is making more sense.

AND ...!!

I took my first dose of Amphetamine Saturday morning at 6:30am.  I set my alarm and was pretty excited to be trying a new med anyway so I woke right up, took the pill and went back to sleep.  I got up at 9:30.  THIS IS HUGE.  The earliest I usually get up on a Sunday is 1:30pm.  The earliest. 

I had breakfast and then I tackled my kitchen table that was covered with so much clutter you could not see one square inch of the table below.  I had taken to eating my meals placing the plate on top of unstable mounds of paper.  It only took a few hours and I had everything OFF the table-- except for the placemats, Coco Chanel's dish of dry food, candle and a lamp.

I look back and laugh now wondering how much of that activity was ME and how much was Amphetamine.  Before you cast your vote let me explain that a stimulant in an ADD's brain acts like a depressant on their body.  It makes me tired. 

This morning I woke up when the alarm first started ringing!  And I was immediately awake.  This is huge as well.  Usually I sleep through that loud buzzing alarm for 20 or so minutes.  I have even been known to stay asleep the entire hour of its ringing. 

I was up and ready.  I wasn't groggy or feeling drugged as I usually do.

The feeling drugged feeling would cause many disagreements between my OA Sponsor and I.  She felt I could get up if I wanted to no matter how hard the struggle.  I was OUT OF IT.  Drugged.  That's the only way I can explain it.

What if hard to awaken is actually part of my ADD as well?  What if I will finally be able to get up like a tired normal person ... not a patient who has been over-medicated in a cold, unfeeling hospital ward?  As my therapist put it I had trouble leaving the unconscious world and becoming conscious.  Trouble was putting it mildly.

I almost didn't write about this latest benefit cuz I don't want to jinx it for tomorrow morning.

I can't tell if the drug is helping me focus or not.  That is harder to tell.  So I really don't know if the amphetamine is doing what it is supposed to be doing.  I'm not sure how big a reaction to expect.  The way my friend Martha described it is she REALLY felt a difference immediately. 

I'll call her over the next couple of days and get more clear on exactly what she experienced.  That will help me.

It was hot today and I am sitting here in Hollywood sweating behind my knees and underneath my breasts.  I get very angry when I sweat.  I take the hot weather as a personal affront.  Which is exactly what it is.  Poor little picked on me.  Ha!