Chalk One Up For The Good Guys

It finally happened!  I got pushed and pushed and pushed to the point where I finally stood up for myself!  What a great day this has been.

I had been negotiating with hotels to try and find a good deal for our Job Fair for the Saturday after next.  Found one.  They sent over the contracts and we were all set to go -- when I noticed a hidden fee... $9 for parking per person!! Now my company is not going to host that cost for the job searchers and the job searchers we are looking for are college students so $9 is too much for them.  Heck, to park $9 is too much to me!

I asked Shelley to negotiate for me and see if we can get them to drop the parking charge as I hadn't done that well on my first try (I am a pushover).  She was very snippy with me and said, "That wouldn't be appropriate," and "That's your job."  OK ... but I thought part of someone's job was also to know who the expert is to go to if you need help.  All for the greater good and all that crap.

Anyway, the hotel wouldn't budge and I wouldn't either (I knew there was no deal if the hotel didn't give us complementary parking) so I had to find another hotel.

Cue phone call from Shelley: "I am so disappointed that you don't have a backup hotel," "We ALWAYS have backup hotels," "Why don't you have a backup hotel?" etc.  I reminded her that this was really the first time I have ever performed these tasks for a job fair and NO we don't always have backup hotels.  In fact, in the year I've been here I cannot think one once where we have actually sought out a backup hotel.

She was so bitchy and so ... god!  MEAN ... and I just couldn't stand to have her words vibrating through my head anymore.  She just kept scolding me over and over about how disappointed she was and what was wrong with me anyway?  I cut her off and basically told her that we had never had backup hotels and that I didn't appreciate the way she was treating me.  I said, "I am doing my best" to which she replied (and believe me, I saw this coming), "I don't think your best is good enough," to which I replied, "I don't care."  Very matter of fact. Because I didn't care anymore.  She is crazy making!!

She said that I sounded upset (she's never heard me firm and so honest before) and reminded me that she is my superior. What?  And I'm not supposed to be honest with my superior.  We ended the phone call shortly after that -- both agreeing not to have this grow into a war of words -- and feelings --  and not to continue in the vein it was.  It was all very civil.

A number of minutes later she sent me an email asking me to come to her desk so we could discuss what happened.  I was ready.  I wasn't nervous or anything.  I wasn't really even mad -- just tired of her treating me like crap.

Shelley, of course, did what Shelley does best which is put a "spin" on things -- she is very proud of this ability she has and believe me it is quite amazing.

I told her I didn't like the way she spoke to me yesterday and how she kept repeating, "You've done this before, right?" in a really snippy and bitchy tone over and over.  I told her that did not help me and was not the best way to manage.

She then starting making excuses for herself.  And then she said, "And I have never said that you aren't good at this job. I have never said you weren't good enough ..."  Uh, yeah, you just said that a few moments ago on the phone to me.

Sigh ....  She told me she repeated that phrase to try and help me remember (good Lord!)that I had done it before (and, trust me, I never had!!) and even tried to repeat it sounding very sweet and patient.

She said that I was disrespectful and at the end I apologized if I came off as disrespectful because that was not my intention.  Shelley even said something negative about my character because I acted the way I did.  Something about she is usually a good judge of character and then inferring my speaking up was really a bad mark on my personal character. 

But, it doesn't matter what she said or what she thinks -- that is her garbage and she has to deal with it.  I am only responsible for my actions and my intentions and they were pure.  I really think I took her by surprise.

Then she repeated that she worries about me when she is not longer here in the department ... yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.  Don't lose any sleep over me.

She said she was giving me tough love in order that I grow and step up to the plate and all that other crap.  When she said the thing about me being good enough a ton of bricks were dumped on my head.  Good enough?  OH MY GOD I am playing out all my mother issues here in the office!!  That's how I feel about my Mom -- she is cold and demanding and taught me growing up that I am just not good enough.  I silently thanked God for my great therapist.

Later, I had a meeting with the Senior Vice President (whom I will be reporting to once Shelley is gone).  I took in the rough draft of our quarterly e-newsletter for her to go over and edit.  She told me it was good -- she even wrote "Good" on one of the pages -- and she told me that I tell a good story.  She later said she was impressed.  This is a woman who does not give compliments!

I WAS THRILLED!!!  I have worked so hard on that newsletter and I made sure that everything shined and it paid off.  I now have some more research to pull and edits to make but ... oh my god!  The SVP got to deal with me in MY arena -- writing and editing.  My passion ... my love ....

I might not be the greatest Travel Specialist, but I am a great writer.  And I got to show that off -- again, I worked really hard -- and my effort was rewarded.

Then later, on the way home, I got off the phone within 10 minutes of calling someone who is just a real DUMPER.  Never asked how I was doing.  Just launched into her life and her problems -- non stop.  After 10 minutes of this headache I interrupted her and said, "I'm almost to my destination.  I better let you go."  and instead of keeping on talking (like I usually do because I feel bad not being a doormat for people and don't want them to feel cut off in any way) I said a few more quick things and then, "Good bye."

As I flipped my cell phone shut driving the streets of LA, I started to chuckle.  I said out loud, "Tamara... I don't even know who you are anymore!!"  I am rockin'! And I am thrilled.  I wonder if I'll even be able to get to sleep tonight.  I want this day to keep going!!