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What movie cliché would you most like to live out in real life? 
Submitted by Wes.  

Tomorrow is another day

 Happily Ever After.

That's more of a fairy tale cliche though.

Maybe the strength of Scarlette O'Hara (Vivien Leigh) at the end of the "Gone WIth The Wind" when she looks over her burning beloved south and says, "Tomorrow is another day."  That is where I would like to live!  In the confidence and courage of that moment.  KNOWING that my tomorrow is going to be a better day -- every tomorrow -- and it will wipe away the pain of today.  Knowing that I can easily manage any situation that comes my way.  Every day for the rest of my life -- from here to eternity (but then, that's another film.  I kind of would like to live its most famous scene as well ....).

Tryin-to-woo-youse-wif-mah-n00b-winks

From_Here_to_Eternity-Burt_Lancaster&Deborah_Kerr-1953

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What's the weirdest baby name you've ever heard (or considered)?

Nausea.  The girl is 16 years old now.  And I still think that is child abuse!!

What sites show up if you type "S" into your browser's address bar?

I am taken straight to Stuffonmycat.com!!  Much fun.

Riskyliving

I'm in one of those wonderful phases where I am noticing some of my habits and behaviors and finding them endearing!  This has sure been a long time coming.

I usually silently berate myself for every movement I make and every thought I have.  For the entire past year I have been on this job I have internally screamed at myself for being so weak and not able to stand up for myself as well as for being a people pleaser.

Then ... I stood up to Shelley.

Then ... I found that silly "Every Child Has A Thinking Style" book nd learned that I am a "harmonizer" and the most important things to me are relationships: with other people, with cats, with other animals, with my living space, with the world.  I learned that I love making people happy.  Here this whole time I have been yelling at myself for being a people pleaser because a people pleaser is essentially a liar (which guru did I glean that one from?) and a pathetic human being -- pleasing out of fear, distrust or out of disgust.

You know why I PLEASE?  Because it makes me fucking happy!!!  I love doing for others.  I love making them laugh, making them smile.  That is MY NUMBER ONE MODUS OPERENDI (or whatever the second word in MO is ....).

That is it.  That's all there is to me.  I DIG MAKING PEOPLE HAPPY.  Not that bad a pursuit is it?

I think my friend Hope (whom I haven't conversed with in over a year) gave me some tapes one of her deluded 700 Club teachers (not that they are all deluded) and the woman spouted for two whole hours on why it is HORRIBLE to be a people pleaser and how to STOP!!!!  STOP IT NOW!!!  Before it goes much further!!

"You must cease this unhealthy, unnatural behavior!"

What utter garbage!  But for the past year I have been carrying around her ideas and feeling horrible about myself.  Which is worse: to just be a people pleaser or to be a people pleaser and hate yourself for it?

I AM A PEOPLE PLEASER.  Get to know me and I will please you as well.  Because I genuinely love people.  And it's about God damned time that I learned to love myself.  Cuz you know what?  I'm a pretty damned lovable person, people pleasing tendencies and all.

ADD Cartoon

I went to the bank at lunch and then to Vroman's Bookstore.  I found a couple books on ADD and read as much as I could within the given hour.

I don't want the excitement of this discovery phase to pass either.

I had to go into the SVP's office and take up some matters with her today.  That was the only time today I felt uncomfortable (which is huge because I am usually uncomfortable all minutes and hours I spend outside of my apartment). 

I still want that "Every Child Has A Thinking Style" book and I want it NOW.  Finances have made it such that I

ADD Brain Scans

*If you are reading this blog don't forget to view the House of Fun trailer -- couple of days ago.  It is about one minute long and well worth the trouble if you have ever wanted to know what was more than likely on your pet's mind.*

With the SVP I would get myself into trouble when I didn't bring her into my tasks every step of the way.  I now am going to her and filling her in and when I have questions ("This hotel is $439 for the night but this other one 15 miles further north is $325 ....").  And you know what?  When I do that she lets me make the decisions.  So they are the decisions I was making all along, however, I need to give her the opportunity to be in on what I am doing.  That's what I learned at work today.

My sleeping escape makes a lot more sense now with this sign of "ADD" hanging 'round my neck:
1.  I don't do well with unstructured time.  What is a weekend but unstructured time.  No wonder I would fear the weekends so fervently.
2.  "We can not tolerate boredom and are always looking for something to do" "All of my waking moments need to be filled with something to do or something to think about.  I cannot risk the possibility of having nothing to do!"  How many times have I said that to my therapist??  So better to stay sleeping -- having something to do -- than risk having nothing!
3.  The constant anxiety and confusion of living in an ADD mind.  (I'M NOT STUPID!!!  I'M NOT CRAZY!!)

I have talked to my friends and family about sometimes sleeping 22 hours a day (no lie -- that was an average weekend), I would share in meetings, I would talk about it in therapy, I would write about it, I would drive my OA Sponsor crazy with me always trying to pick it apart and figure it out .... Now it is making more sense.

AND ...!!

I took my first dose of Amphetamine Saturday morning at 6:30am.  I set my alarm and was pretty excited to be trying a new med anyway so I woke right up, took the pill and went back to sleep.  I got up at 9:30.  THIS IS HUGE.  The earliest I usually get up on a Sunday is 1:30pm.  The earliest. 

I had breakfast and then I tackled my kitchen table that was covered with so much clutter you could not see one square inch of the table below.  I had taken to eating my meals placing the plate on top of unstable mounds of paper.  It only took a few hours and I had everything OFF the table-- except for the placemats, Coco Chanel's dish of dry food, candle and a lamp.

I look back and laugh now wondering how much of that activity was ME and how much was Amphetamine.  Before you cast your vote let me explain that a stimulant in an ADD's brain acts like a depressant on their body.  It makes me tired. 

This morning I woke up when the alarm first started ringing!  And I was immediately awake.  This is huge as well.  Usually I sleep through that loud buzzing alarm for 20 or so minutes.  I have even been known to stay asleep the entire hour of its ringing. 

I was up and ready.  I wasn't groggy or feeling drugged as I usually do.

The feeling drugged feeling would cause many disagreements between my OA Sponsor and I.  She felt I could get up if I wanted to no matter how hard the struggle.  I was OUT OF IT.  Drugged.  That's the only way I can explain it.

What if hard to awaken is actually part of my ADD as well?  What if I will finally be able to get up like a tired normal person ... not a patient who has been over-medicated in a cold, unfeeling hospital ward?  As my therapist put it I had trouble leaving the unconscious world and becoming conscious.  Trouble was putting it mildly.

I almost didn't write about this latest benefit cuz I don't want to jinx it for tomorrow morning.

I can't tell if the drug is helping me focus or not.  That is harder to tell.  So I really don't know if the amphetamine is doing what it is supposed to be doing.  I'm not sure how big a reaction to expect.  The way my friend Martha described it is she REALLY felt a difference immediately. 

I'll call her over the next couple of days and get more clear on exactly what she experienced.  That will help me.

It was hot today and I am sitting here in Hollywood sweating behind my knees and underneath my breasts.  I get very angry when I sweat.  I take the hot weather as a personal affront.  Which is exactly what it is.  Poor little picked on me.  Ha!

The Brain's Executive Functions

Well, the lovely Ms Useta has tagged me.  Not sure if I am honored or not (actually, I am... just didn't want to let on lest I sound a little pathetic!) but here we go .....

1.  The first 19 seconds of "I'm Bored" by Iggy Pop can choke me up and bring me to actual tears.  It's the drums that get me -- performing spectacular (do I call them rolls?) rolls for 17 seconds and then going right into the typical drum beats (snare + bass) that are just keeping time.  I find it beautiful.

2.  I do not kill spiders.  I think spiders are the coolest of the cool.  I am amazed at their ability to spin gorgeous webs.  Nature.  If there is one in my house, I allow it to roam around and live -- sometimes that is not long, if one of my three cats spies him.

3.  I am completely fascinated and in awe of cats.  I have had these magnificent creatures as a close part of my life since 1987 and yet I still marvel at their little faces, their personalities.  I can still look at one of my guys and get overly excited, as if cats were just added to my life today.  I will forever live in Day One with these beautiful animals God chose to grace the world, and grace my heart.

4.  I love punk music -- especially hardcore.  There is an energy that is matched nowhere else in the musical kingdom (classical can come close). Hardcore punk changes the tempo several times in one song.  Back and forth from neck-breaking speed to a controlled, forced slowness and back again.

5.  I have so many clothes (and yet nothing to wear!) that I had to turn my second bedroom into a closet. (It's really that I live in an apartment that was built in the 40's and only has three small closets).  A friend and I installed a clothing rod that runs the length of the room (and my clothes run the entire length of the rod -- I guess I do have a lot!) and my clothes are hung way above the floor and the cat hair (nah ... cat hair can get anywhere it wants to).  I just have to stretch up to grab the hangers and get the clothing I want.  I have all my shoes and some cubby holes and a full length mirror along with a full length couch in this closet.  This is also where I curl up to spend time on my laptop and on vox.

6.  When I was a freshman in high school, I raised a steer and ended up eating him (after he was slaughtered, of course).  I could never do something like that today.  I guess I never got close to the steer.  His name was Max.

7.  I love books but have a great deal of trouble slowing down my mind enough to read.  My eyes keep skittering over the page and rushing ahead without really taking anything in.  I buy many, many books yet read very few of them. I spend the money so that I can support artists and ideas that I like.

8. I am very self conscious that I made my answers too long and that they will be a drag to read.  I care, perhaps too much, about what people think of me. The flipside of that is I am one of the most supportive, kind, warm people you will ever meet because I truly love and adore people. 

Thank you for letting me spend some time in your neighborhood!

It finally happened!  I got pushed and pushed and pushed to the point where I finally stood up for myself!  What a great day this has been.

I had been negotiating with hotels to try and find a good deal for our Job Fair for the Saturday after next.  Found one.  They sent over the contracts and we were all set to go -- when I noticed a hidden fee... $9 for parking per person!! Now my company is not going to host that cost for the job searchers and the job searchers we are looking for are college students so $9 is too much for them.  Heck, to park $9 is too much to me!

I asked Shelley to negotiate for me and see if we can get them to drop the parking charge as I hadn't done that well on my first try (I am a pushover).  She was very snippy with me and said, "That wouldn't be appropriate," and "That's your job."  OK ... but I thought part of someone's job was also to know who the expert is to go to if you need help.  All for the greater good and all that crap.

Anyway, the hotel wouldn't budge and I wouldn't either (I knew there was no deal if the hotel didn't give us complementary parking) so I had to find another hotel.

Cue phone call from Shelley: "I am so disappointed that you don't have a backup hotel," "We ALWAYS have backup hotels," "Why don't you have a backup hotel?" etc.  I reminded her that this was really the first time I have ever performed these tasks for a job fair and NO we don't always have backup hotels.  In fact, in the year I've been here I cannot think one once where we have actually sought out a backup hotel.

She was so bitchy and so ... god!  MEAN ... and I just couldn't stand to have her words vibrating through my head anymore.  She just kept scolding me over and over about how disappointed she was and what was wrong with me anyway?  I cut her off and basically told her that we had never had backup hotels and that I didn't appreciate the way she was treating me.  I said, "I am doing my best" to which she replied (and believe me, I saw this coming), "I don't think your best is good enough," to which I replied, "I don't care."  Very matter of fact. Because I didn't care anymore.  She is crazy making!!

She said that I sounded upset (she's never heard me firm and so honest before) and reminded me that she is my superior. What?  And I'm not supposed to be honest with my superior.  We ended the phone call shortly after that -- both agreeing not to have this grow into a war of words -- and feelings --  and not to continue in the vein it was.  It was all very civil.

A number of minutes later she sent me an email asking me to come to her desk so we could discuss what happened.  I was ready.  I wasn't nervous or anything.  I wasn't really even mad -- just tired of her treating me like crap.

Shelley, of course, did what Shelley does best which is put a "spin" on things -- she is very proud of this ability she has and believe me it is quite amazing.

I told her I didn't like the way she spoke to me yesterday and how she kept repeating, "You've done this before, right?" in a really snippy and bitchy tone over and over.  I told her that did not help me and was not the best way to manage.

She then starting making excuses for herself.  And then she said, "And I have never said that you aren't good at this job. I have never said you weren't good enough ..."  Uh, yeah, you just said that a few moments ago on the phone to me.

Sigh ....  She told me she repeated that phrase to try and help me remember (good Lord!)that I had done it before (and, trust me, I never had!!) and even tried to repeat it sounding very sweet and patient.

She said that I was disrespectful and at the end I apologized if I came off as disrespectful because that was not my intention.  Shelley even said something negative about my character because I acted the way I did.  Something about she is usually a good judge of character and then inferring my speaking up was really a bad mark on my personal character. 

But, it doesn't matter what she said or what she thinks -- that is her garbage and she has to deal with it.  I am only responsible for my actions and my intentions and they were pure.  I really think I took her by surprise.

Then she repeated that she worries about me when she is not longer here in the department ... yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.  Don't lose any sleep over me.

She said she was giving me tough love in order that I grow and step up to the plate and all that other crap.  When she said the thing about me being good enough a ton of bricks were dumped on my head.  Good enough?  OH MY GOD I am playing out all my mother issues here in the office!!  That's how I feel about my Mom -- she is cold and demanding and taught me growing up that I am just not good enough.  I silently thanked God for my great therapist.

Later, I had a meeting with the Senior Vice President (whom I will be reporting to once Shelley is gone).  I took in the rough draft of our quarterly e-newsletter for her to go over and edit.  She told me it was good -- she even wrote "Good" on one of the pages -- and she told me that I tell a good story.  She later said she was impressed.  This is a woman who does not give compliments!

I WAS THRILLED!!!  I have worked so hard on that newsletter and I made sure that everything shined and it paid off.  I now have some more research to pull and edits to make but ... oh my god!  The SVP got to deal with me in MY arena -- writing and editing.  My passion ... my love ....

I might not be the greatest Travel Specialist, but I am a great writer.  And I got to show that off -- again, I worked really hard -- and my effort was rewarded.

Then later, on the way home, I got off the phone within 10 minutes of calling someone who is just a real DUMPER.  Never asked how I was doing.  Just launched into her life and her problems -- non stop.  After 10 minutes of this headache I interrupted her and said, "I'm almost to my destination.  I better let you go."  and instead of keeping on talking (like I usually do because I feel bad not being a doormat for people and don't want them to feel cut off in any way) I said a few more quick things and then, "Good bye."

As I flipped my cell phone shut driving the streets of LA, I started to chuckle.  I said out loud, "Tamara... I don't even know who you are anymore!!"  I am rockin'! And I am thrilled.  I wonder if I'll even be able to get to sleep tonight.  I want this day to keep going!!

Shelley is leaving the department I believe at the end of this week.  After these past few days with her I couldn't be happier.

She has been reprimanding me for things I DON'T KNOW!  And why don't I know them?  Because she hasn't taught me.  But she will sit in front of me and say, "You've done this ... right?  You've done this" and I panic and nod my head because I cannot access in my brain quickly enough the history of said task -- which is her doing the task and never teaching me.  And she speaks very loudly and angrily.

She has warned me that once she leaves the department I am going to die without her. 

This morning, after the first reprimand (yes, there was more than one) I got back to my desk and I began to email my closest friend, Krisses.  I was writing about how I'd blown it again and why was I such a piece of crap and why do I make so many mistakes ... and then in the middle of the email it hit me!  That wonderful quote from Eleanor Roosevelt: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

I've known this quote for years but it finally made sense to me.  I REFUSE to allow her to have that kind of power over me. I am NOT a piece of crap!  In fact, the way she is treating me has more to do with her (and her bitchiness and insecurities) and less to do with me (so I don't need to beat myself up for not being able to come to my defense) than anything else. 

All of a sudden I realized it is well within my power to feel good about myself -- no matter what others may seem to think.

And, you know what?  I SO have it made.  The SVP and the other VPs (that Shelley was friends with) have gotten an earful of how slow I am and how many mistakes I make and how useless I am ... whatever!  So they aren't expecting much.  That sure takes the pressure off of me!!  There's no way I can't excel.  I'll just keep doing my best without Shelley to micro-manage and criticize me.  They will be amazed at how much better I am than they ever thought!

I WILL ONLY WIN!!

Oh my god I am starting to actually love myself!  A huge chunk of that came today when I stopped listening to what other people were saying -- or what I thought other people were saying -- and realized all that matters is what I think.
That's it! 

On the way home I turned on the car radio and heard that old song: "You've got to make your own kind of music; Sing your own special song; Make your own kind of music; Even if nobody else sings along."  I take that as a message from the powers that be -- don't throw yourself away or put yourself down because you are different from others and others seem to laugh at what you hold dear and precious -- you are dear and precious in your own special way and that is HUGE.  That might just be the secret to the Universe.  Or not ... but whatever it is it sure helped me to feel a whole lot better.

Life After Shelley: Here I come.  And even these next few days still with her I do not have to sink to her level and feel badly about myself.  That is her trip -- and I will leave it to her to take.  I don't travel there anymore.